How to start and end your wedding vows
The middle of a vow writes itself once you have the material. It is the first line and the last line that people rewrite eleven times — so here are eight ways to open, six promises worth making, and six ways to land it, with an example of each.
What every vow contains
Four parts, in this order. Nearly every vow that does not work is missing the third one.
- The address. Their name. It settles the room and tells them to look up.
- One specific thing. A memory, an observation, a habit of theirs. Exactly one — a list dilutes.
- The promises. Two or three, concrete enough to be broken. This is the part that makes it a vow rather than a speech, and it is the part most first drafts leave out.
- The closing line. Short, and sayable when your voice is unreliable.
Eight ways to open
One rule underneath all of them: do not open with a definition of love, a dictionary quotation, or an apology for being nervous. All three spend the room’s attention before you have said anything that is yours.
The plain address
Their name, then get on with it. Never fails, never draws attention to itself, and works at any tone.
“Rachel — I want to tell you what I noticed first.”
The specific first memory
Open on the actual moment. It puts a picture in the room in under ten words and it can only be yours.
“You were the only person at that party talking to the dog.”
The admission
Start with something slightly costly to say. It buys attention honestly rather than by performance.
“I have rewritten this eleven times, because none of the versions were true enough.”
The correction
Name what you used to think, then overturn it. Sets up the whole vow as a change they caused.
“I used to think this sort of thing was for other people.”
The direct promise
Lead with the commitment rather than building to it. Good if you are nervous — the important part is out immediately.
“Before anything else: I am going to be here. That is the whole vow, and the rest is detail.”
The joke that turns
One line of humour, then a hard pivot to sincerity. The pivot is what makes it work; a joke with no turn is just a joke.
“I was told to keep this under a minute, which is the only promise today I am not sure I can keep.”
The count
Open on a number — years, days, the number of times something happened. Concrete, and it gives the room a scale.
“Two thousand one hundred and six days ago you gave me your umbrella.”
The address to the room, then to them
One sentence outward, then turn. Useful when guests have travelled far, or when you want a beat to steady yourself.
“Thank you all for being here. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to talk to Sam for a minute.”
Promises worth making
The test for a promise is whether anyone could tell if you broke it. “I promise to love you forever” fails — nobody can check it, including you. Everything below can be kept, and can be noticeably not kept, which is what gives it weight when you say it in front of witnesses.
The named fault
Promise to work on one specific thing you actually do. The most memorable promise available and the least used.
“I promise to tell you on the first day, not the fourth.”
The ordinary day
Promise about the unremarkable stretch rather than the dramatic test. Most of a marriage is Tuesdays.
“I promise to keep choosing you on the days when nothing happens.”
The reciprocal
Promise to let them do something for you. Harder than it sounds, and it says a great deal.
“I promise to let you look after me, which I am not good at.”
The argument clause
Promise something about how you will fight, not whether you will. Every couple does; almost no vow admits it.
“I promise never to be the one who leaves the room.”
The protection
Promise to guard something specific of theirs — their time, their work, their rest.
“I promise to defend the two hours on Sunday morning that are yours.”
The long horizon
One promise pointed at a version of them you have not met yet. This is the line people quote back in thirty years.
“I promise to keep falling for whoever you turn into.”
Six ways to close
Put your most emotional sentence second to last. If your voice goes, it goes with one short line still to come, and you will get through it. Ending on the emotional line is how people end up unable to finish.
The short declaration
Five to eight words, flat and certain. Almost impossible to fumble.
“That is my vow. I mean it.”
The callback
Return to the image you opened with. Makes a minute of speech feel composed rather than listed.
“And you can keep the umbrella.”
The traditional line
Land on borrowed wording. The oldest closing there is, and it carries weight precisely because it is not yours.
“This is my solemn vow.”
The forward look
End pointing at the life rather than the day.
“I will see you at breakfast, and every breakfast after that.”
The plain sentence
Say the simplest true thing you have. After a minute of specifics, plainness lands hard.
“I love you. I am not going anywhere.”
The turn to the room
Close by making the guests witnesses rather than spectators. Works especially well if you opened outward.
“You have all heard me say it. Hold me to it.”
Putting it together
Pick one opening, one specific thing of your own, two or three promises and one closing, and you have a complete vow of about fifty seconds. The process for finding the specific thing is on how to write your own wedding vows; the vow builder will assemble the scaffolding for you.
To see the shape working at full length, read the complete vows — or the short ones, where every word has to earn its place.
Common questions
- How do you start wedding vows?
- Say their name, then one concrete sentence. The name settles the room and tells them to look at you; the sentence should be the smallest true thing you can begin with. Openings that start with a definition of love, a quotation, or an apology for being nervous all spend the room's attention before you have said anything of your own.
- How do you end wedding vows?
- With a short sentence you can say without your voice going. Six or seven words is ideal. Put your most emotional line second-to-last rather than last, so that if you do get caught out, the vow still has somewhere to land.
- What should be included in wedding vows?
- Four things: an address to them by name, one specific observation or story, two or three concrete promises, and a closing line. That is the whole anatomy — everything else is decoration, and most vows that fail are missing the promises.
- What promises should I make in my wedding vows?
- Ones that can be kept and noticeably broken. “I promise to love you forever” cannot be checked by anyone, including you. “I promise to tell you when something is wrong instead of going quiet” can be — which is exactly why it means something when you say it out loud in front of witnesses.