Written Vows

How to write your own wedding vows

Seven steps, ten questions, and one worked example taken from raw answers to finished wording. Nothing here is a gallery of vows to copy — if that is what you want, there are 24 complete vows one page away.

The useful thing to know before you start: writing a vow is not a writing problem. It is a remembering problem followed by a cutting problem. Almost nobody sits down short of feeling — they sit down unable to choose.

The seven steps

  1. 1. Agree the rules before either of you writes a wordThis is the step almost everyone skips, and it is the one that causes the only real disaster available here: a mismatch. Agree four things — roughly how long, how funny, whether you read from cards or learn them, and whether you are speaking only to each other or also to the room. You do not have to share the words. You do have to share the shape.
  2. 2. Ask what your ceremony actually requiresPersonal vows are usually an addition, not a replacement. In England and Wales the declaratory and contracting words in the Marriage Act 1949 must be spoken for the marriage to be legally valid, so your own words go alongside them. In most of the United States no particular form of words is required at all. Churches vary and some rites cannot be reworded. One email to your registrar or officiant settles it, and it changes how long you have.
  3. 3. Answer the questions separately, badly, at lengthDo not try to write a vow. Answer the ten questions below in a notes app, alone, without editing and without showing each other. Write far too much. Every good vow is three or four of these answers cut down — the writing is almost entirely in the choosing.
  4. 4. Find the one thing the vow is aboutRead your answers back and look for the repeat. There is nearly always one quality that keeps surfacing — they are steady, they are brave, they make things lighter. That is the vow. Everything that does not point at it comes out, however fond you are of it.
  5. 5. Put it in the only order that worksOpen by addressing them. One specific story or detail. What that told you about them. Then the promises — three at most, and concrete. Then one closing line you can land. That order is not a style choice; it is the order that keeps a room with you.
  6. 6. Cut it by a thirdWhatever you have, it is too long. Cut every sentence that could be said by anyone about anyone: “you are my best friend”, “I love you more every day”, “you complete me”. They are true and they are invisible. The specific line you were nervous about keeping is the one the room will remember.
  7. 7. Read it out loud, standing, three timesSilently on a screen is not a test. Out loud you will find the sentence you cannot say without running out of breath, the joke that dies, and the line that makes your voice go — which you want to discover now, not at the altar. Then print it large on a card. You will not be able to read your phone.

The ten questions

Separately. In writing. Without editing. Twenty minutes each is plenty, and the answers are supposed to be unimpressive — they are raw material, not drafts.

  1. What is the first thing you noticed about them — not the flattering version, the true one?
  2. What is the smallest thing they do that you would miss most?
  3. When were you most grateful for them, and what exactly did they do?
  4. What have they changed about you that you are glad about?
  5. What do you know about them that almost nobody else in the room knows?
  6. What is the thing you argue about that you have made peace with?
  7. What did you believe about love before them that turned out to be wrong?
  8. What are you actually promising — not the traditional list, yours?
  9. What do you want to be true about the two of you in thirty years?
  10. If you could only say one sentence and it had to be true, what is it?

One worked example

Four raw answers, exactly as they came out:

Q1, first thing noticed: he was the only person at that party who was talking to the host’s dog

Q2, small thing: he warms the teapot. Every time. Even when we’re in a hurry, even when I say don’t bother

Q3, most grateful: when I lost the flat and he didn’t say I told you so, he just came round with a van

Q8, actually promising: not to go quiet when things get bad, which is my thing and he knows it

The repeat is obvious once it is written down: he does the unglamorous thing properly, without being asked and without mentioning it. That is what the vow is about, so the version below keeps three answers and throws away everything that did not point at it.

The finished vow

From the answers above · 50 seconds

The first time I saw you, you were at a party talking to somebody else’s dog. I have thought about that a lot since, because it turns out to have told me everything.

You warm the teapot. Every single time, even when we are late, even when I tell you not to bother. When I lost the flat you did not say you had warned me. You turned up with a van.

That is who you are, and it is not the kind of thing anyone puts in a speech, so I am putting it in a vow.

I promise you the same in return. I promise not to go quiet when things get hard — you know that is mine, and I am naming it in front of everyone so I cannot pretend later that I did not.

I will do the unglamorous things properly. I learned it from you.

Note what did not survive: nothing about how they met, no reference to how long they have been together, no “you are my best friend”. The teapot does the work all of that was trying to do, and only one person in the world could have written it.

Next

Writing vows for himThe clichés that swallow a husband, and the detail that gets past them.Writing vows for herWhy praise reads as generic, and what to do instead.Openings and closingsEight ways to start, six ways to land it, and what to promise.The vow builderTurns answers like the ones above into a draft, in your browser.

Common questions

How do you write your own wedding vows?
Agree the rules with your partner first — length, tone, and whether you will read them or learn them. Then answer a set of specific questions separately, pick the three or four answers that are only true of the two of you, put them in the order of story, promise, closing line, and cut it to under a minute. Most of the work is choosing, not writing.
How long should personal wedding vows be?
Forty-five seconds to a minute each, which is 100 to 150 words. Almost every vow that goes wrong is too long rather than too short. Agree the limit with your partner in advance and hold each other to it — a two-minute vow answered by a twenty-second one is uncomfortable for everybody.
Should you show each other your vows before the wedding?
You do not need to show the words, but you must agree the shape — length, how formal, whether there are jokes, and whether you are addressing the guests at all. Couples who skip that conversation are the ones who end up with one funny vow and one that makes the room cry.
Can you write your own wedding vows in a legal ceremony?
You can add them, but in some jurisdictions you cannot replace the required wording. In England and Wales the declaratory and contracting words set out in the Marriage Act 1949 must be spoken for the marriage to be valid, so personal vows sit alongside them rather than instead of them. In most of the United States no particular form is required at all. Ask your registrar or officiant early, because it changes the running order.
When should you start writing your wedding vows?
Four to six weeks before. Early enough that you are not writing them at midnight the night before, late enough that the details still feel current. The one non-negotiable is reading them aloud, standing up, at least three times before the day.