Funny wedding vows: 21 examples that still mean something

I vow to let you believe you are better at parking. I vow to feign genuine surprise every time you tell the story about [their story]. I vow to take your side in every argument with a stranger, regardless of the facts, and to hear the facts later in the car.

And underneath all of that: I vow to be loyal to you, honest with you and entirely on your side, for as long as I am lucky enough to have you.

I was firmly instructed not to be funny in my vows, so I will be brief instead.

You are clever, you are kind, and you have tolerated me for [length of time] with a patience that frankly borders on the medical. I promise to make the next fifty years worth the first [number]. That is the entire vow. You may all relax.

I had three drafts of this. The first was too long, the second made my mother cry in a bad way, and the third is the one I have in my hand, which [friend] described as “fine.”

So here is the fine version: I love you, I like you — which is rarer — and I intend to keep doing both for a very long time. Everything else I will tell you in private, for the next fifty years.

I vow to always let you have the last slice. I vow to pretend I have not seen the episode. I vow to warm my feet somewhere other than on you, an undertaking I make in good faith and expect to breach within the week.

And I vow the real things too — patience, honesty and my whole heart, for as long as I have one.

I hereby accept permanent responsibility for [chore], the [appliance], and all future negotiations with [difficult relative or neighbour].

You retain sole authority over [thing they are better at], the thermostat, and what we are watching. In exchange I ask only for your patience, your honesty and the good half of the sofa — and I promise to give you all three back, every day, for the rest of my life.

I promise to reply to your messages before you have to send the second one. I promise to remember which mug is yours. I promise to say “I already put it away” only when I have already put it away.

And when the small things stop being funny — because one day they will — I promise to still be here, doing them anyway.

I vow to keep saying the restaurant was your idea. I vow to carry all the bags without mentioning it more than twice. I vow never to point out that [their team] has not won anything since we met.

I also vow to be the person you can come home to on your worst day, which is the one that actually matters.

[Name], I knew what I was getting. I knew about the [hobby]. I knew about the [collection]. I knew that “five more minutes” is a unit of time known only to you.

I signed up anyway, cheerfully, and I would do it again. I promise to be honest with you, patient with you, and permanently on your side. You have me.

I would like to apologise now for the next fifty years of my driving, my timekeeping and my opinions about your friends.

In mitigation, I offer this: I will love you steadily, I will tell you the truth even when it is unflattering to me, and I will be genuinely glad to see you every single day. I take you as my husband.

You are the kindest person I have ever met, which I know you hate being told in public, so I am telling two hundred people at once and getting it over with.

I promise to keep noticing it. I promise to say it more often at home, where it counts. And I promise to stay, for all of it.

[Name], in the interests of transparency: I am going to keep losing my keys. I am going to keep asking where we are going after you have told me. I am going to keep buying the wrong [item] no matter how specific the list is.

What I will not do is take you for granted. Not once, not for a day. I promise you my honesty, my patience and my whole attention, for the rest of my life.

You are cleverer than me, funnier than me and better at [thing] than me, and you have never once said so, which is somehow more annoying.

I promise to keep up as best I can. I promise to be honest with you, to be kind when you are not at your best, and to be quietly proud of you in every room we are in.

I vow to concede all future arguments about directions. I vow to stop suggesting we leave early. I vow to be enthusiastic about [her interest] to a standard that would convince a stranger.

And I vow the thing I actually mean: I will be here, steadily, for the good years and the hard ones. I take you as my wife.

I vow to share the good blanket, remember which mug is yours, and love you properly for the rest of my life. In that order of difficulty.

You have put up with me for [length of time] and shown no sign of stopping, which I choose to read as consent. I promise to be worth it.

I promise to make you laugh at least once a day, and to be honest with you on the days I cannot manage it.

I have no idea what the next fifty years look like. I know who I want standing next to me while we find out. That is the whole case for the defence.

I promise to let you win at [game]. I promise to laugh at the [running joke] until one of us dies. I promise to keep pretending your [hobby] makes sense to me.

And now the part I actually practised. You have seen me at my least impressive and you did not flinch. I have thought about that more than you know. I promise to be that for you — the person it is safe to be unimpressive in front of, for the rest of your life.

I vow to always let you order first. I vow to defend your driving to your family. I vow never to reveal what you actually paid for [item].

But the real vow is this one, and it is short. Whatever happens — the good years, the frightening ones, the ones we cannot see from here — I will not go quiet on you. I will stay in the room. I take you as my [wife / husband].

I told you I liked [thing they love] on our second date. I did not. I do now, which is either love or [number] years of exposure, and I have stopped trying to tell the difference.

That is what you have done to me. You have made me bigger than I was. I promise to spend my life doing the same for you, and to be honest about the rest of it.

After [number] years, several people had given up on this happening, and at least two of them are in this room and can be identified later.

But we were never late. We were exactly as slow as we needed to be. And I would rather have spent [number] years being certain than one afternoon being impulsive. I choose this, deliberately, in front of everyone.